Self-trust: Why does it matter and how do you cultivate it?
If you had asked me 2 years ago how much I trust myself on a scale of 1-10, I probably would have said about a 5 or 6. Now it’s more like an 8 or 9, and I’m determined to get to a 10! Now, you may be thinking self-trust is just another fluffy buzz-word used in those ‘top tips’ LinkedIn posts, but I believe it is fundamental to living a life that is fulfilling, and uniquely yours. So here’s my business case…
The dictionary definition of trust is as follows:
“ firm belief in the reliability, truth, or ability of someone or something “
So let’s first look at trust in other people, as it tends to be an easier concept to visualise. How do you know if you trust someone?
The definition gives good framework - reliability, truth, and ability. Take a colleague that you trust to carry out a certain piece of work. You may trust them because:
They have a good track record of getting stuff done and being consistent - reliability
They provide honest communication, managing expectations, giving updates etc. - truth
They have the competency or attitude required to complete the task to the standard needed - ability.
Now take a colleague you don’t trust to carry out a piece of work, perhaps they frequently miss deadlines (lack of reliability), provide unrealistic expectations (lack of honesty), or don’t have the skills/attitude required for the task (lack of ability).
So, what happens when we direct this framework inwards?
Think of a goal you have in your life right now. Maybe it’s to save up a certain amount of money, or to implement a new fitness routine - whatever feels alive for you.
If we take the example of saving up a sum of money, the requirements to achieve this may include sticking to your set monthly budget. This in turn may mean resisting impulse purchases and implementing spending boundaries in social settings. If you honestly ask yourself - do I think I can rely on myself, be honest with myself and have the capability to achieve this goal - what comes up? In this example, if you focus on your track record of overspending, you may struggle to see how you can trust yourself to achieve this.
For me, I used to struggle to consistently stick to a fitness routine. It was all or nothing, one week I did 5 workouts, then I barely did 1 for 2 weeks. And the problem wasn’t a lack of discipline or my own laziness, it was a lack of self-trust. Deep down, I didn’t trust myself to be consistent. And I also hadn’t defined what consistency actually meant to me (FYI - you can miss a day but still be consistent in the long run!).
When I unpick what was going on for me - although I knew I had the physical capability to show up and do a workout - I hadn't built up a track record of being able to rely on myself and I also wasn’t being honest with myself about why I wasn’t sticking to it. The mind does this innocent thing where it looks for all the evidence to support an existing belief. And for me it was the belief that I wasn’t reliable.
The evidence was all there - I had never ‘consistently’ stuck to a workout plan for a long period of time, so this supported my belief that I couldn’t rely on myself. So how do you build self trust if you don’t have a track record of it already?
Well, the great thing about the mind looking for evidence to support the beliefs you feed it, means that you can flip it the other way.
As soon as I started to look for evidence of how I was reliable, it was so much easier to build that self-trust. Although there wasn't a track record for me in the area of fitness, there were so many other areas of my life where I demonstrated that I could stick to things in the long run. And if you struggle to come up with evidence for yourself, I’m betting you probably brush your teeth twice a day - that is evidence of reliability right there! All it takes is one example to start, and then your mind will start to give you a whole host of other evidence to support this.
It takes time, and this is an exercise that I’ve had to do over and over to really re-programme the part of my brain the defaults to lack of trust in myself. But it is powerful and well worth it. And it comes from a place of compassion, and backing yourself, not from beating yourself down (which never ends well).
An additional note worth mentioning is that there are complexities to self-trust, and you may trust yourself much more in one area of your life compared to another (e.g. work vs. dating). When building self-trust through exercises like the one I’ve described, it can be more powerful to focus it on one specific area of your life, or goal, at a time, and then ripple it through the rest of your life. This way you can really hone in the skill and literally build trust in your ability to develop self-trust!
Here’s to being our own biggest cheerleaders, and doing the work that changes our lives one step at a time.
